Insane Treatment

"A Lament for Departed Friends"

By Lloyd Wagner

1. Mad people burned witches
   In the bad days of yore,
   In this mad day and age,
   They don't do like before.
2. In mad treatment centers,
   Where Staff is insane,
   With their drivel and meds,
   They'll just fry your brain.
3. They say you may get violent,
   As they in fact are,
   As policemen with guns,
   Drag you in cuffs to their car.
4. Drive you fast to the hospital,
   Where they test you for pot;
   They find none, sedate you,
   Strap you down to a cot.
5. "Feel better today, dear?"
   They ask you, so sweetly.
   Should you answer with truth,
   Or perhaps more discreetly?
6. No matter your answer.
   "You're mentally ill.
   Most likely incurable.
   Here. Just eat this pill."
7. When you're back in your room,
   Spit it under your pillow.
   They weren't pleased to find it,
   And they'd like to kill you.
8. They inject you with H*****;
   They won't let you go.
   Despite the Reagans and D.A.R.E.,
   You cannot say "no."
9. They know H*****'s addictive,
   And you'll freak if you're off it.
   So you're their patient for life,
   Their guaranteed profit.
10. Seven hundred a day,
    Insane treatment costs here;
    They're way richer than you,
    So let's learn who's boss, dear.
11. The food is atrocious,
    Tuna sandwich and soup.
    Eat it fast, clean the unit.
    "Are we ready for group?"
12. Group paper and crayons
    To color your feelings,
    Red's angry; blue's blue…
    "Clean up these orange peelings!"
13. The peelings were Staff's,
    But we mustn't get mad,
    Or they'll "offer" sedation.
    There … that's not so bad.
14. You can sleep and forget
    This criminal place,
    And in your sweet dreams,
    They re-examine your case.
15. You wake to reality;
    Your psychiatrist's there.
    He says you're still crazy —
    Just look at your hair.
16. You're making "limited progress,"
    He writes in your chart.
    "Tomorrow in group,
    You can go to K-Mart."
17. "Limited progress."
    That's what they said,
    If you make none, they're not doctors,
    If you do, they're not Mad.
18. "Try to get better,"
    They say with a smirk,
    But they won't let you get better,
    'Cause then they'd have to work.
19. "You're not responding through meds."
    (You're still too smart in your talk.)
    "Would you like to be fixed by
    Electro-shock?"
20. "It'll erase bad memories,
    That's all it'll do."
    Though if you've got a headache or not,
    They can't even tell you.
21. So how can they aim
    Their erasing stun-gun,
    At only "Bad Memories,"
    What if they hit "Fun?"
22. So you refuse to agree
    To the electro-shock notion.
    They increase the pressure:
    "You're put on restriction."
23. Can't go out of the unit,
    Can't go out with group.
    "You won't sign the papers?
    Then stay locked in the coop."
24. They act like you
    Have just tried to cheat 'em.
    They double your fry-meds — See?
    You really can't beat 'em.
25. You all ask each other,
    "How'd you come to be here?"
    One girl, seventeen,
    Got caught drinking beer.
26. The judge and her parents,
    All three did agree:
    "She needs treatment in Chemical
    Dependency."
27. Another girl, thirty,
    Wasn't thinking too keen,
    When she told off a cop,
    When she was eighteen.
28. Though mad social workers
    Had kidnapped her baby,
    Cops don't appreciate swearing —
    They determined she's crazy.
29. In Tupelo town,
    Down in Mississippi —
    Don't tell a cop off;
    "You'll regret it. You'll see!"
30. You wake up one morning,
    Walk down the hall;
    Staff's laughing and chatting,
    They're right on the ball.
31. As you walk by their station,
    They don't look at you.
    Then hanging over the stairway,
    You see a body, all blue.
32. You run back to tell Staff,
    Feeling totally sick.
    "Patients back to their rooms!
    Quick, quick, quick, quick!"
33. You're forbidden to speak
    Of what you did see,
    The deceased still has rights to
    Confi-denti-ali-tee.
34. Newspapers or TV,
    Won't mention this news;
    Mad Center's ad money
    Is too much to lose.
35. I come to visit,
    And I'm hungry for food,
    As I spent all my money
    For gas on the road.
36. You offer a slice
    Of out-dated bread.
    It's free from the Staff.
    "Eat up," they said.
37. You butter some bread
    for yourself and for me.
    Fat Staff lady Lisa
    Is watching TV.
38. She jumps out of her chair,
    Makes an across-the-room dash —
    Amazingly quickly,
    For the size of that ass.
39. She purses her lips,
    and makes me to dread;
    She's as mad as a hatter;
    Her face is beet-red.
40. She informs you
    That it's wrong to feed me.
    "It's not the purpose of the unit!
    It's inappropriate! See?"
41. Believe it or not,
    This same bread-hoarding Lisa is
    Driving a very nice van,
    That says she's "Pro Jesus."
42. (You sometimes wonder
    What Jesus would think,
    If he knew that this Lisa
    Was claiming a link.)
43. You expect madness from doctors,
    You expect madness from Staff,
    But it cuts to the bone,
    When your friends also laugh.
44. They agree you need help,
    But they don't know how.
    They won't help you run,
    'Cause you are crazy, now.
45. And you'd get them in trouble,
    So if they visit, they say,
    "Just stick with the program,
    And I'll see you someday."
46. You'd like to phone friends,
    But nothing is free.
    Calls out are collect,
    To help AT&T.
47. Staff has a phone,
    But they won't let you use it.
    Phone service costs money;
    They're afraid they might lose it.
48. No one can call in here;
    For Staff it's a bother,
    To go and find you
    To talk with your father.
49. Friends go on with their lives,
    As yours has been stolen.
    You pray… if they'd protest,
    Heads would be rollin'.
50. But they keep their silence,
    And basely agree,
    "Mad Doc is the expert.
    (Just don't let him treat me.)"
51. Their silence is wise;
    It keeps them immune
    From the restraints and the needles
    Of a mad therapy room.
52. When the psycho-man strikes,
    With two people left dead,
    Both Mad Doc and the judge say,
    "He wasn't taking his meds."
53. The judge and Mad Doc
    Will never admit,
    that their judgement and drugs
    Were inappropriate.
54. Mad Center won't comment
    On individual cases.
    And the small controversy
    Disappears without traces.
55. On God's Judgement Day,
    Where will they be?
    In God's Treatment Center,
    With just you, and me.
56. They'll keep you and love you,
    and drive you insane.
    Say, "I LOVE YOU BIG BROTHER!"
    They've just fried your brain.

• Lloyd Wagner
  February 1, 2001